.: Destination Unknown :.

I guess my question about Robyn ever speaking to me again has been answered with a definitive "no."

My weekend...

Friday night recovery meeting: everyone is in the same mood. Angry, resentful, bitter that the rest of the world is out shaking their collective groove thangs while we're trying not to binge, purge, restrict, or self-injure. Some of them are AA'ers and NA'ers as well, so they're really fucked.

I was as bitter as everyone else, and I decided to share. I spewed my venom and felt cleansed. There's a reason why they say "keep coming back -- it works!" like a mantra, because it *does*...something about sitting in a room full of other ED'ers and going through the meeting format makes you hold on another day.

Saturday: up early, dressed in my "please take me seriously" best and off to RWA. Didn't go well. No one takes me seriously. I get so tired of getting a pat on the head and being treated like "Awwww, she's trying to write a book, isn't it precious?"

I don't fit in there, but I don't fit in anywhere, it seems, except with other people who share my compulsions and disorders. Sad.

I was in such a terrible mood after the meeting, and so discouraged about my future prospects for publication that my mom and dad took me to Olive Garden for lunch. That helped a little. Then my dad offered to take me to the bead store (hey, he's an Indian, he likes beads too). I got some lapis beads and some tiger's eye, and will probably make prayer beads from both. I'll spare you my long monolougue about Isis and Bast.

Then to B&N, where I got something from their addiction/recovery section, and something from their spirituality section to fortify me for the week. Extremely Hot Bookstore guy was there, and I wondered if he'd consider fucking a fat chick in the B&N bathroom. Alas, I failed to get his attention. I wonder why.

Next stop, Hobby Lobby. Mom's fam is coming in for the 4th...haven't seen any of them except Dan for almost three years. We're having Christmas In July, so I decided to make a little patriotic holiday tree. I bought a tiny white 29" feather tree on ebay, ordered red and blue lights on white wire, and picked up some tinsel garland and various sparklies to adorn it in red, white, and blue fashion. Since my relatives think my creative efforts are a manifestation of insanity, I suspect this won't win me any points with them, but I'm doing it anyway.

Ended the day by coming home, putting on playclothes, and trying to rest, because I was too exhausted to walk or talk and flaring up from the stress of being upset at the meeting. Ordered in Chinese, chatted with Amy, Nancy, and Jessica on AIM, crashed, slept for a good nine hours.

Sunday...rested. Went to Wal Mart, got candles, one for each chakra color. I plan to light them when my cd of chakra balancing sounds arrives. Went to Michael's, got a bouquet of silk poppies. Came home, made spaghetti and salad. Spent the evening reading and resting. Went to the midnight meeting. Everyone was depressed.

Watered plants, took meds, went to bed.

Did not relapse all weekend.

And I'm going to address some of Robyn's recent entry, whether she wants me to fuck off and die or not.

The word VAGINA is not a dirty word. Would she rather you call it cunt or pussy or any of the other words that have been used to degrade and subjegate women for centuries? Does she not have a VAGINA herself? When she goes to the doctor, what does she call her VAGINA? Her hoohoo? Her coochie? Her peepee?

I suggest buying a used copy of THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES on amazon.com. I read it last month, and it is an easy read, very entertaining, and provides a mini crash course in the mystery and history of VAGINISM. Doesn't she realize that your VAGINA is your power center? That it's the gateway of life?

Doesn't she have any pride in herself as a woman?

No wonder you want to run away from home.

On a final note, I really wonder if I should continue updating this diary. I doubt anyone is rivited by stories from 12 step meetings, my spiritual explorations, creative struggles, and whatnots. I guess at this point I'm just writing here for myself.

Hope everyone has a wonderful week.


.: 7:43 A.M. :.
.: Monday, Jun. 27, 2005 :.


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