.: Don't Fear The Reaper :.

My mother's entire family will be here tomorrow, minus one brother, and anxiety has set in.

I spent all day Wednesday doing heavy cleaning. I'd slept for ten hours the night before, suffering from extreme premenstrual tiredness. I don't think that happens to most women. Maybe it's because I have such an extreme form of PMS, but in the three days or so before my period starts, I can't get enough sleep.

But I felt better Wednesday, and my period started around noon, so I pitched in and cleaned until I dropped. Wednesday night, I got a headache. By the wee hours Thursday morning, the headache had become the worst headache I've ever had. It felt like the pain was coming from deep inside my head. I thought I was going to black out from it a few times.

Around 5:00 AM, nausea set in.

By 7:00 AM, the headache began to taper off. It was replaced with horrible joint pain in my right leg and left hand. Then muscle spasms all over, especially in my legs and stomach.

Yesterday was spent with the leftovers from the headache, pains, and spasms. I just woke up a little while ago and still have pain and spasms, but my head seems ok. I ate a tiny bit more than usual yesterday to keep my blood sugar stable, but didn't break my abstinence or relapse. I didn't make it to a meeting last night, though. Thank God there are registered meetings online -- otherwise I'd not be making one for a few days to come.

I'm so drained...and it's scary that my disease has reached the point that a day of housework can make me emergency room level ill. Resigning myself to this, to the fact that I'll never be able to live alone or hold anything more than a part-time sit down job again, has been a major adjustment for me. It would be depressing if I let it. But I've learned to place it in God's hands and take it one day at a time.

So here I am.

I don't have any nice summer clothes...all mine are several years old. I need to go out today and pick up a couple of things to wear, and get my mother to trim my hair for me. It's hard enough to see my family and know the reaction they're going to have to my weight. I'd like to at least have the pride in myself that comes from new clothes and a good hair day.

Since figuring out my...origins...I've learned that other people drain my energy. I seem to be a host for energy feeders. Either that, or I give it away freely. I'm not sure which. I have a friend who is an admitted "feeder" and sympathetic to my problem of being a cat with eighteen kittens nursing on me constantly...meaning, I have a slew of people who depend on me to listen to their problems, advise, console, and guide constantly...including a few family members. To put this in purely metaphysical terms, they drain my energy. So my energy feeder buddy gave me some tips on replenishing it. Maybe they'll work. Worth a try, anyway. I even joined an email list for others who share my origins and hopefully they can advise, since they share my situation.

And by now, you probably all think I'm insane, so I shall end this. My cat says hi.


.: 6:20 A.M. :.
.: Friday, Jul. 01, 2005 :.


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