.: Catch The Deluge In A Paper Cup :.

Last night I fell asleep with my cell phone in my hand. It was my one lifeline to seemingly the only person who actually gives a damn.

In a move of utter desperation, I sent a text to Paul and told him I was feeling suicidal, and another to Kimberly telling her I'd cut my arm four times with a kitchen knife. Neither responded.

So much for familial love.

I spent the weekend with my mother's family. I'd gone to Avenue on Friday and picked up several new outfits -- I was due, not having bought any summer clothes to speak of since 2002 -- and picked up some new makeup at Ulta. My mother retouched my Greenlee Smythe haircut, and I even did a beauty spell, hoping to overcome my shame about my appearance.

I've worked so hard to end abusive self-talk and self-destructive behavior, but in the face of seeing my family again, all those carefully built new philosophies were hard pressed to stand. But still, I pulled through, and things went pretty well. Oh, sure, there were the moments of realizing that I truly am a little oddity dropped into the midst of these very normal and average people. Sometimes it's impossible for me to be myself without coming across as pretentious. Whether it's discussing the differences among regional styles of Chinese cuisine, or making everyone gag by eating sushi in front of them (with chopsticks, natch), or blabbing about my love of dogma 95 films, I come across as a total poseur. I don't mean to...but I can't pretend that I stayed in Hootie Holler for the last 10 years either.

Still, it went well overall. When the fray about religion broke out briefly, I held my tongue and wasn't even a part of it (thank God/dess -- given the oddity of my belief system, silence was my best option). And overall, I did enjoy being with them. If my cousin is a totally insensitive ass who reminded me of all the reasons I hate myself, and of all the reasons why I'm alone, and of how people *really* see me...

I suppose, in the final analysis, it reflects worse on him than on me.

Thank God for text messages from the West Coast. Otherwise, I think I would've fallen into a dark hole from whence there would be no return.


.: 8:45 A.M. :.
.: Monday, Jul. 04, 2005 :.


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