.: Perfection? You're puttin' me on... :.

I'm so tired.

It's hard not to feel drained all the time. I know it's a reaction to six months of intense stress. I know the unbearable heat doesn't help. Like Persephone, I've entered into my harsh season. I've swallowed the seed and have to do my time in the underworld. Summer here is like winter in a northern climate. It's something you survive, not something you enjoy.

I make sure I'm happy at every possible turn. I won't accept anything less. But there is an enormous amount of stress due to the illnesses in my family and my own daily struggles with CFIDS, IBS, PCOS, and hypothyroidism. My dad's stroke threw my world out of orbit, and I suppose that explains this uncomfortable shedding of skin while a new version of my essential self is born.

It's exhausting. It's also scary. The old self is threatened by the new self. The new self toddles about like a colt on uncertain legs. She knows not how to modulate her voice, how to wear her skin with grace, how to *be*. So the epic battle between new self and old self wages on.

Hopefully a mediate self will emerge, the best of both. And soon.

And despite today being rather high stress on different fronts, I'm ok at the moment. I have about six candles going, some St. Anthony's incense burning, some Sleater-Kinney cranked up, the lights dimmed, and a nice atmosphere going. Two of my wheel of the year dollsarrived today. I ordered some books. I have my favorite magazine to enjoy, some yarn and beads to play with, and my work is going well. And, for the moment, that's enough.


No, I don't mind if you quote me. Why should I mind?


.: 9:18 P.M. :.
.: Monday, Jun. 13, 2005 :.


.: << :: >> :.