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.: It's Just Emotion That's Taken Me Over.. :.

Where do I start?

For those of you - and that's pretty much all of you who have ever known me - who know the saga of the long lost great love of my life, here's the latest.

His stepmother is dying. She has advanced cancer and at this point, there is no hope left for her. She probably will not live another week.

This is a tragedy of immense magnitude. She is in her mid-50s and before her illness was an amazingly beautiful woman. She practically raised him - what should I call him? I'll call him Punk Rock Boy or PRB for short. Anyway, she practically raised PRB after he came to live with his father.

He and his father have been estranged for years now, and PRB lives in the capitol city of my home state, some 3 hours from here. He never comes home, ever. We haven't seen each other since our relationship ended in our late teens.

He will be coming home soon for the inevitable.

And, rarely enough, I am home too.

I don't know what to do.

This could very likely...and will very likely be the last chance I'll have to ever see him again.

But...I can't do it, can I?

What would be my reasons for seeing him again?

Curiosity. I want to see what he looks like, who he turned out to be.

Some misguided longing on my part to "show him what he lost". But that is not at all going to happen now. I mean, look at me. I'm a mess. I became so many of the things he had told me in a fit of anger that I'd become, including "so fat you'll need your own planet to live on" (ok, so we were 14 when he said that, but I never forgot it).

But...

but..

I never loved anyone the way I loved him, and I never will again. He was one of those "most important people in my life" on that Dr. Phil list. He is the Pete to my Roseanna (you know who you are).

But...

He rejected me in the end. I was never good enough for him. My mother told me 2 days ago to stop brooding about it because "you'll never be good enough for him, it wouldn't matter if you showed up and were a size 4, he'd just find something else wrong with you". This was not my mother putting me down, she was just stating the obvious about his personality.

Had I not gained all this weight, I'd go. That's the only thing stopping me.

Seldom has a day gone by that I didn't think of the day when we'd see each other again and he'd see that I turned out to be a somebody. I know this is pathetic...really, I do. But I can't help it. His rejection shaped my life in a lot of ways. I wouldn't have tried so hard to accomplish things if I hadn't been so stung by losing him.

And speaking of losing him, the last time we saw each other and he left me..I went on a 4 month drinking binge to deal with it. I was much younger then, but I don't know if I can handle the pain again.

That's the debate right there...do I risk the agony and humiliation to see him for the last time? Or do I protect myself and never get any closure at all?

What do I do?

Help me.

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.: 5:34 P.M. :.
.: Friday, Mar. 01, 2002 :.

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