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.: Locked Doors And Feeling Lonely :.

Have you guys noticed that a certain segment of the Diaryland population are all scooting over to Livejournal?

I have no intention of messing with livejournal. I am staying here, with Andrew, with a better calibur of people.

Sometimes I go peeking behind the locked door behind which my former life resides. It's always a mistake. All though your life, you'll hear people say that you can't go forward while you're looking back, and that is very much the true. While you can't help looking back and you can't erase your memories, it's good to know when to leave certain doors locked forever.

Tonight I took such a peek. I've been peeking a lot lately. I still care about and miss one person from my old life, although I can't communicate with her because it would be too easy to be drawn back into the whole thing. So I read...and sometimes it leads to the others. And I read and I wonder why I do it. It does nothing but fuel my intense dislike of the whole thing, of everything they stand for or, more accurately, DON'T stand for. Maybe it's my ongoing need to define myself *against* something as much as to define myself *by* something. Maybe it's to scare myself from ever going back there.

Maybe it's just the morbid curosity that is an inheritance from my mother.

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The apartment did not work out, so we looked at their sister property and put in an application. In the process of filling out the application, I started to feel like the world's biggest failure. It showed the lack of grown up life I've had, the lack of grown up credintials. But hey, I said to myself, half your adult life was eaten by illness and poverty and mind bending circumstances that most people couldn't imagine. Don't apologize for being behind, I told myself. Do not feel ashamed for getting a late start.

This is an attitude I need to cultivate.

I'm lonely tonight.

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.: 11:09 P.M. :.
.: Sunday, Apr. 14, 2002 :.

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